Blur
by HalcyonSeasons
Summary: Prequel to Destructive Desire - All sixteen-year-old Bella Swan wants in Phoenix is to have fun. She's rich, carefree, and bored. Having a little fun couldn't hurt, right? She just didn't anticipate on drugs, broken relationships, and a crush on her Trig teacher being part of the plan...Rated T for drug use and some language. Read, review, & most importantly, don't be like Bella.
1. Chapter One

_**A/N: **__This is my newest fanfic. I know, I keep starting new fics and never complete them. I need help. Anyway, this is the prequel to_ Destructive Desire._ I have a couple original characters, but they are really based on people I know (you ladies already know who you are). Enjoy!_

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><p><em><strong>Blur<strong>_

_**by MusicTwilightLove**_

**Chapter One**

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><p>I loved the adrenaline rush I felt as I was basically flying down the street.<p>

So maybe _flying_ wasn't the correct word, but I was as close as it got on a bicycle. So maybe I was a little dramatic.

I felt young, free, and amazing as I sat on the front of Benjamin's bike. It hadn't taken a lot of convincing for him to let me ride on his bike to a party. We'd been flirting for weeks. It was the last Friday of the summer, and I was determined to make it perfect.

I liked Benjamin - I just wasn't sure if he liked me. My best friends, Carlie and Kelly, thought he did, but no one had ever said anything.

Benjamin and I weren't alone here, though; there were six other people with us, and Kelly and Carlie were two of them.

As I held on to Ben's bike, I turned to my right to see Kelly riding her bike up next to us. "I have a car for a reason, Bella," she told me loudly. Well, Kelly always talked loudly, and she was never ashamed of it, but still.

"No, you have a _bike_ for a reason," I said. "And that's because I don't have a car, and the party's only two blocks away."

I could hear Carlie laugh. Something about Kelly and I disagreeing with each other was just so comical to Carlie.

Going back to school was not my cup of tea. I hadn't done anything all summer, but I enjoyed the lazy summers of Phoenix. Sitting by the pool, having barbeques every week, and going to parties was just the normal agenda for the youth of my neighborhood. I lived in the kind of neighborhood where most kids got cars for their sixteenth birthdays, where everyone had a swimming pool in their backyard, and where partying every weekend was acceptable and no one would look down on you for it.

I had spent part of the summer with just Benjamin, since Carlie went to band camp for two weeks and Kelly visited family for just as long. Benjamin was cute, half Egyptian, and innocent. Or at least as innocent as he could pull off. He also had dreams. Lots of them. He made me feel inspired and he got me thinking about what I wanted to do when I would grow up, if I ever would.

I hoped this crush I had on Benjamin would go further than just this summer. I really hoped that we would actually _get_ somewhere after the summer, maybe even during the summer.

We all arrived at the house party, and it was already going at full blast. The late-August night felt hot and exciting, like something was bound to happen. I was willing to have as much fun as I could tonight; I couldn't let go of the summer so easily.

I just didn't plan on drinking as much as I did.

An hour and three cans of beer later, I was feeling tipsy, probably even more than that. I danced with Benjamin. No, correction: I danced _on_ Benjamin. I hadn't meant to. It just happened. I didn't dance a lot myself; I wasn't good at it. But alcohol was key.

The music pounded in my ears as I was a different person on the dance floor, to Benjamin. Crazy how I was so nervous to say something to him before, about me liking him, but throw in some alcohol and I was an animal.

I smiled after I dropped down and went back up to face Benjamin. He didn't say anything, but he smiled and tightened his hands around my hips.

I went up to the tips of my toes and whispered in Benjamin's ear, "We should go somewhere."

"Where?" he asked, all for it.

"Anywhere. I just want to be alone with you."

He nodded.

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><p>I wasn't sure how we ended up on the roof of the one-story house, but we did. I had already drank two more beers and I was probably at that "drunk off your ass" state of intoxication. I didn't care, though. Benjamin seemed to like me. He was absolutely beautiful as he lay on his back and looked up at the stars. I was starting to feel colder in my tank top and mini-skirt.<p>

I lay down next to him, and without thinking, I kissed him on the lips. I kissed him softly, innocently. I had kissed before, but I wasn't that good at it yet. He kissed me back, and it was a bit rougher than mine had been, but I didn't mind. I'd been waiting for this all summer long. Benjamin had teased me since school just got out, holding me on a string and flirting with me but never doing anything major.

"Why did you do this to me?" I whispered drunkenly when he was done kissing me, his lips trailing off mine.

"Do what?" he whispered back.

"I think you know."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Benjamin...I, I really like you. And _now_ you're liking me back. It's not fair."

His eyes wandered to the night sky. "Bella," he said, as if he was talking to the stars and moon rather than to me, "I don't think I like you."

I blinked twice, rejection sweeping in. I had never felt anything close to this before. He had just kissed me, then claimed he didn't like me. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You're being an asshole."

"What did I do now?"

I stood up, ready to leave.

"Bella, hold on," Benjamin told me. "You're on a roof. You'll hurt yourself. Let me help you down."

"Leave me alone," I said as I made my way to a ladder on the side of the house.

I climbed down and managed not to hurt myself. Benjamin followed me back to the house. When I stumbled on the driveway, he caught me by the waist. I smacked his hand away. "Don't touch me!" I yelled at him.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help."

"Go away, Benjamin."

"You know what?" he said, shaking his head. "I'm done with you." He turned around and walked away from me, into the house.

I knew that I was crying. I was a drunk, crying mess. "Benjamin," I called to him. "Come on, don't be like that."

He didn't turn around or say anything at all.

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><p>"You're okay, Bella," Carlie told me softly. "You're okay."<p>

I certainly did not feel okay as I puked up everything I had taken in later that night. All I could smell was the disgusting stench of vomit from drinking way too much. It did not taste as good as it did on the way out as it had when it went it. I shouldn't have drank more after Benjamin left me.

"Why are you lying to me?" I moaned. "I'm not okay, Carlie."

"Fine," she sighed, as I bent my head down into the toilet again. "I'll be brutally honest with you. You've sorta fucked up my night, you've made a fool out of yourself, and your makeup is messed up. How's that?"

Carlie always spoke her mind, and when she didn't, she made sure to later.

I puked again.

Carlie still held my hair back, though.

When I was pretty sure I had nothing left in my body, I flushed the toilet, wiped my mouth, and looked up at the mirror.

_Who am I?_

I had looked nice earlier. My hair had just previously been cut with layers; I had gotten honey-colored highlights the same day; and my fingernails were manicured and painted a bloody, sexy red. I should have felt a lot more attractive, but I didn't. To be honest, I looked sort of gross right now. No wonder why Ben didn't like me.

"Where's Benjamin?" Carlie asked me as I applied more lipstick, eyeliner, and mascara (borrowed from Carlie), standing in front of the mirror.

I shook my head. "I don't even know or care anymore." I gave Carlie her eyeliner back when I was done with it. "He hates me now."

Carlie leaned against the bathroom door and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "What happened?"

"He kissed me...and then left. It was so stupid."

"He just left you?"

"Well, he said he didn't like me."

"Why?"

"Do you think _I _fucking know?"

"You _should_!"

"Well, Ben's just being an ass. Good fucking riddance to him."

"Yeah, I guess. You could do better."

I nodded. "Where's Kelly?"

"Anywhere. We both know that she goes wherever the wind takes her."

I nodded again. This was true.

Someone banged on the bathroom door from the outside. "Get the fuck out!" they screamed. "Some people have to piss, you know!"

Carlie and I left the bathroom, and it turned out that that person screaming for us to get out was none other than Kelly.

"You don't really have to piss, do you?" Carlie asked.

"Not at all," Kelly said. "But I was looking for you guys. It's like you fell off the face of the earth or something."

Kelly looked at me, and her eyes went wide. "Bella, you are more twisted than a fucking doorknob."

"Thanks," I said.

"I'm sorry, but you're wasted. How much did you drink?"

"I dunno."

I felt dizzier and dizzier by the second. Kelly caught me when I started falling to the ground. "I think we should go home," she said.

"Stat," Carlie agreed.

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><p>My mother Renee and my my stepfather Phil were not pleased when I stumbled into the house at midnight, I knew. All the lights were on, Renee and Phil had been waiting for me, and I felt a lot worse. I collapsed on the couch, barely even making it there. I knew they wouldn't wake me up; I'd get my punishment in the morning.<p>

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><p>My mother tensely set a cup of tea down in front of me the next morning. She seemed like she was in a rush, or she wanted to tell me something but was afraid to.<p>

My head throbbing, I carefully picked up the china cup. I took a sip, and it was very plain. And disgusting. "Mom, can I have some sugar?" I asked her.

"Oh, yeah, sure," she said, "I forgot."

Yeah, she was definitely hiding something.

"Never mind," I said. I slid the tea away from me. "I'm sorry about last night," I finally told her.

"You _should_ be," Renee told me.

"You said I could go, though," I pointed out.

"I said you could spend the night at Kelly's. I did not say you could go to a party and get drunk."

"What's done is done. What can I do now, Mom?"

"You're not going out until November."

"That's not fair."

"Life's not fair, either."

"Why are you doing this, Mom? I'm going back to school on Monday. And it's not like I was _that _bad last night."

"You got drunk and was dragged home by Carlie and Kelly!"

"Worse could have happened. I mean, I didn't have sex or do drugs or anything."

"Bella, you are still grounded. Also, who is this Benjamin guy?"

I froze. "How do you know about him?"

"You were talking about him last night. Who is he?"

"No one," I lied. Even being hungover and somewhat newer than yesterday, I was still lovesick over Ben.

"You're being safe, right?" Renee went on.

"_Mom_!" I cried. "I used to like him, but I don't anymore. We didn't even get that far. Nothing between us really happened."

"Teenagers lie all the time."

I sighed. "Are you trying to talk to me or what?"

"No, I'm done," Renee told me. "You're not going out until November, and that's final."

"Really? Really, Mom?"

"Would you like to wait until next summer, then?" she challenged.

I exhaled through my nose harshly. "No," I said.

"Then run along. You've got homework to do, right?"

"Mom, school hasn't even started back up yet."

"Oh, right. Right, right, right. I knew that."

I stood up, pushed my chair in, and walked upstairs to my bedroom. I slammed the door shut for effect, and texted Kelly. I had a crappy prepaid phone, but it got the job done, and that job was to communicate with others. _Answer ur phone_, _I don't care if u sleep in til 11 on Saturdays,_ my message said.

Seconds later, I called Kelly. I knew she had received the text message already.

"It's Bella," I said as soon as she answered.

"I have caller ID," Kelly reminded me.

"Okay. Well, anyway, I'm grounded."

"For how long? Until school comes back? Your birthday?"

"November," I said glumly.

"That sucks balls!"

"I know."

"Wait, you're not going to actually stay in the house, are you?"

"What?"

"I mean, your mom is going to forget in like two seconds."

"And how do you know that?"

"We've known each other since we were, like, eight, remember? Your mom is like my second mom."

"I guess," I agreed solemnly.

"My point is, Bella, is that we're sixteen and staying in the house is not in the plan."

"You're seventeen today, though."

"I know that. Don't remind me."

"You _love_ birthdays."

"In fact, _do _remind me. Bake me a cake from scratch and say yes to everything I request and buy me all the shoes in the world. That would make me very happy."

"That would make _me_ very broke."

"Don't tell me you've spent all your salary from McDonald's already."

"I didn't. I'm saving for a car. You already know this."

"Have you burned your name tag yet?"

"No."

"Let's do it tonight. Carlie will bring the camera," Kelly joked.

"That's what she said."

"Ah, shut up," she laughed.

I laughed, too.

"But really. You're getting out of the house today. Or, Carlie and I are coming there. It's my fucking birthday. I can only turn seventeen once, and I'm not getting any younger."

"I know."

"Then stop bitching about being grounded. I'll call Carlie and we'll be over in ten."

I couldn't argue with Kelly; it was impossible. "See you then."

"Love you."

"Back at ya."

She hung up first.

I found myself laughing to myself. _Grounded, my ass_, I thought smugly.

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><p><em>So, how was that? Review please! I live off 'em.<em>

_xoxo, MTL_


	2. Chapter Two

_**A/N: **__Hello, my dears. Here is a new chapter of _Blur. _Enjoy!_

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><p><strong>Chapter Two<strong>

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><p><em>Anyone that attractive should not be a teacher, <em>I thought as I got myself settled in Trig.

I didn't like mathematics, but I was good at it, and I landed myself a spot in Trigonometry. Mr. Dashwood, my teacher, seemed nice. But he was a little distracting. Maybe I would do better in the subject, then, since I'd pay more attention. I even sat in the front row.

Dark blond hair, blue eyes, nice smile, nice arms, nice body in general, and nice personality...I would have to keep my attraction towards him a secret.

My first class of the day was Trig, and my junior year seemed to be getting off on a great start. I was still grounded, but I knew that Renee and Phil would un-ground me soon. They would have to.

Trig was the only class that I had with neither Carlie nor Kelly, but I was almost okay with that.

I was fine - _almost_ - until Chris Daniels, a boy that I absolutely hated, sat down next to me, in the seat to my right.

"Hey," he told me.

Looking at him straight in the eyes, I gave him a small smile. Maybe we would start this year on good terms. "How are you?" I asked Chris.

He gave me his trademark snide smile. I hated that smile. "I'm great," he said. Then he leaned closer to me and stood up. He was behind me in seconds. I turned to face him.

He leaned closer to me again and whispered in my ear, "This will be a great year, Boulder Holder." And then he reached into my shirt and pulled back my bra strap. I heard a loud _thwak!_ as the strap as it snapped against my skin. It hurt like a motherfucker.

Biting the inside of my cheek, I looked up at Chris, trying so hard to not hit him. He was laughing and smiling and high-fiving his idiotic friends.

I had been bullied by Chris Daniels and his friends since the fifth grade. My long-time nickname of Boulder-Holder Bella seemed to never get old to them. I had breasts, so there was no reason for Chris to be an asshole to me about it.

And now he did it again. I thought we were okay, and he just pissed me off again.

I stood up and faced Chris. He was at least six feet tall, and I was a lot shorter than him, but I wasn't scared of him. Not at all. I had kicked his ass in the eighth grade for the very same reason and I wouldn't have a problem with kicking his ass now.

"What are you gonna do now, Bella?" Chris laughed.

"Don't even," I said.

"What, you're gonna hit me again? It didn't even hurt last time," he taunted.

"Fuck you."

"Hmm?"

"You heard me." My hands balled up into fists.

Chris just laughed. "Get the fuck out."

And that's when I punched him, right in the eye.

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><p>"So you <em>did<em> sock him!" Carlie laughed into the phone that night.

"Yes, I did," I said.

"And now you're suspended?"

"Yes, I am."

"For how long?"

"I can come back on Thursday."

"Wow." Carlie laughed again. "You know, you should have let me help him pay for his teasing. I would have killed the fucker."

"I know."

"Man, it sucks how you got suspended so early in the school year," Carlie sighed.

"I know! I just got out of summer break; I don't want another one yet," I said.

"Plus, you're going to miss an assload of school."

"Nothing happens in the first days, though."

"Nothing happens when you're a _freshman_. You might miss a lot of shit this year."

"Whatever."

"Sorry, Bells, but I have to go now."

"Why?"

"Are you blind? It's ten at night. I'll talk to you tomorrow, though, 'kay?"

"'Kay."

"Love ya, Bella."

"You, too, Carlie."

I hung up and then fell back onto my bed. Renee and Phil actually weren't that pissed about me being suspended from school. They were disappointed that it was in first period, on the very first day, but they said that I shouldn't feel bad for defending myself.

Bored, I went to my window with one of my blankets wrapped around me. I sat on the windowsill, my feet on the roof of my house. The early September warmth was comforting. I closed my eyes as I embraced the air. I loved this weather. It was perfect for me.

My dark paradise was gone when I heard fidgeting. A door opened and closed, and I heard footsteps.

I opened my eyes and looked over the fence, at my neighbors' backyard. Benjamin, who also happened to be my neighbor, was standing outside in his backyard, lighting what looked like a cigarette.

"So you smoke now?" I called to him. I could barely see him, but the glow of the moon kind of lit things up.

He laughed, and that made me remember why I had liked him again. That sexy laugh got me every time.

"Yeah, it's kind of relaxing. Want a hit?" he offered.

"What is it?"

"It's an ace."

"A what?"

"It's weed, Bella."

I bit my lip, contemplating whether I should try marijuana or not. _You only live once_, I said to myself. "I'll be down in a second," I told Benjamin.

I went back into my room, fixed my hair, and quietly crept downstairs and out the front door. Benjamin was waiting for me there.

He embraced me as soon as I closed the front door behind me. His hands started at my hair and slowly traced down to me hips, feeling every curve of mine. And then he kissed me again. He kissed me like it was nothing, like nothing had ever happened between us.

And, in a way, it _was_ like he had never blown me off like how he had at the party.

I guessed that Benjamin was just one of the guys that didn't realize what he had until we were done.

When Benjamin let me go, I smiled. "Let me take a hit," I finally said.

Ben picked up the joint from the edge of a flower pot where he set it, and he held it out to me. "Take it easy, and don't forget to inhale. Also, don't put it all down your throat. You gotta keep the shit out of your lungs."

I nodded. I took the joint and did as told.

I didn't feel anything at first, but ten minutes later, after I took another hit, I was _totally chill_. Benjamin was high before me, though. He whispered things in my ear that made me laugh. I was probably really fucked up in that hour that we spent together. I was probably that wasted, crazy girl that I had never wanted to be. I was a bad excuse for an Honors student: suspended, never doing the things I was supposed to do, looking for fun, getting high for free... I wasn't sure where I would go from here.

Stumbling into my house at five after eleven didn't make me feel like a better person.

I needed to get my act together before things got really bad.

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><p><em>So, how was that? Review please! You know I love them.<em>

_xoxo, MTL_


	3. Chapter Three

_**A/N: **__Hello, darlings. Here's the next chapter of Blur. I know, it took forever. Also, let's see how many Lana Del Rey lyric references in this chapter! I loooove her music, and her Born To Die album inspires this fanfic completely._

_Enjoy!_

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><p><strong>Chapter Three<strong>

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><p><em>Fuck, I hate Trig, <em>I thought next Monday morning. Carlie had been right. I had missed a lot of school, and now I was completely lost. What a student I was.

Nothing had changed in the past few days, I'd heard. Chris Daniels had his schedule changed, but that was it.

I should have had Kelly - who was great at math of all types - help me over the weekend. That would have been a lot better than sitting here at my desk looking like an absolute dumb-ass.

About to throw my textbook in the air and leave the classroom altogether, I went to my last resort of raising my hand for help from Mr. Dashwood. I hated asking for help, and I hated looking like I had no idea what I was doing, but it couldn't hurt to ask. Also, there was forty-five minutes left of class. I would scream if I didn't understand.

And Mr. Dashwood was pretty gorgeous, too. That helped.

In the next forty-five minutes, I did understand Trigonometry, or at least what we were learning currently. Mr. Dashwood was a new teacher, but he was pretty okay. Not the best teacher. Not at all. But I liked him. I also liked his eyes that were as blue and beautiful as the sea. And his sense of humor. And everything else.

Mr. Dashwood was definitely my favorite teacher.

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><p>Tryouts for the softball team were after school today, and Carlie and Kelly still could not convince me to try out with them, so I had no ride home. Or so I thought.<p>

It had been fifteen minutes since school ended when I saw Benjamin again. The last time I had seen him that day was in second period Gym. It was like he'd ditched school or something. I didn't see him once throughout the day after Gym.

Now here he was, as if nothing had happened.

He was standing around his car (looking as cute as ever) with his friends, laughing and talking. It was strange that he had kissed me, and not just once but twice, and now he wasn't saying anything. _Again_.

God, I was sick of his routine.

"Hey, Bella," he called to me as I walked past him and his friends. His friends were probably seniors; I didn't know or even recognize any of them. They must have skipped school a lot, too.

"Hey, Benjamin," I said, continuing to walk past him. It wasn't worth talking to him today. I would settle with talking to him later, tonight.

"Come here for a second."

I shook my head and continued to walk away.

"Come on, Bells." His voice was getting even more distant.

I turned around a few seconds later as he still called to me, and he was about two yards away from me.

"What do you want, Benjamin?" I asked him.

His hazel eyes were as honest as can be. "I wanna talk to you."

"If you did, then why didn't you just say so?" I asked bitterly.

He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "Shit happens."

I rolled my eyes. "Go back to your friends. I won't cry like a little bitch, I promise."

Benjamin sighed. "Wanna smoke a joint later or something?"

"What, you think I can be bought with weed?" I challenged.

"Don't say that."

"Don't act like you weren't thinking that."

Benjamin sighed again, even more annoyed this time. "_Bella_..."

"I'm gonna go home now, Benjamin," I said. I stood up on the tips of my toes to briefly kiss him on the lips. "I'll talk to you later," I told him.

"I'll call you."

"Fine."

I turned around and continued to walk home, feeling smug and better than ever. I wasn't sure if Benjamin and I were dating or not, but whatever we had sure was exciting.

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><p>I felt strangely chill and somewhat in love as Benjamin lit my joint that night. I held it in my mouth, and our eyes locked for a second, a single second of euphoria, as he lit the joint with his lighter. I still wasn't good at smoking, but I knew I was getting better. Benjamin helped me.<p>

I was good and high as I lay down on the grass with Benjamin and stared up at the sky. The stars weren't out tonight. I didn't understand why, though. I didn't live that much in the city. My neighborhood was in an urban village by the mountains, and I loved it nonetheless.

"I can't die from this, right?" I asked Benjamin, with a slither of concern running through my body.

"You can't overdose on pot," he assured me.

"What?" Couldn't people overdose on any drug?

"Pot doesn't kill people; shit that people do while high kills people," he clarified.

"_Then_ what happens?" I asked.

"I don't know. Shit just happens."

"What do you mean, Benjamin?"

"You act like a dumb-ass for who knows how long."

"What, forever?"

"I don't know, Bella. I just don't know."

Benjamin didn't know anything. And I loved that about him.

But we were both high, so maybe nothing mattered.

I rolled over and kissed him. Maybe I was getting obsessed with kissing. I didn't mind, though. He had soft, beautiful lips that were fun to kiss. I could kiss him all night long. Our little weed and kissing rendezvous late at night would never die to me. As things moved on to more than just kissing (not fourth base, no fucking way), I almost didn't want to call him my boyfriend, though. We had too much fun being whatever we were. When I was with Benjamin, nothing hurt.

At least for a little while.

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><p>There were a few things I learned over the next two months:<p>

1. Your best friends aren't there for you when you need them. Kelly and Carlie were too busy with sports and boys and other crap to help me with anything.

2. Teachers can be a great help. I had grown rather close to Mr. Dashwood. (He said I was his favorite student.) I wasn't getting any better at Trig, but Mr. Dashwood (who I got to privately call Drake) was nice to hang out with. He'd even given me a ride home from school one day. Nobody knew about us, and we hadn't even kissed yet, but we were going strong.

3. Weed doesn't fuck up your life - it makes things even better. Well, almost.

4. Alcohol gets you into trouble, but what else is new?

5. Parents will never, ever understand, no matter how hard they try. The youth of 2008 was something that was untouchable.

6. Nobody gives a fuck about you when they already have an immediate image of who you are based on what you do. You look perfect to everybody else, like you don't have any problems despite all the shit you do, but they don't really know you. When you're the cheap party girl that everyone likes to call up for a good time and nothing more, nobody cares about your feelings or who you are. I was that girl. To everyone else, I laughed like God, and had a mind like a diamond. Being in the presence of others, being in the harsh spotlight, and somewhat being liked almost made things okay. Almost. Maybe everyone would love me when I'd die. Maybe not.

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><p>"Lucy, you know I don't care for Halloween," I whined.<p>

Lucy put her hand on her narrow hips and pouted her lips. "You don't care for a lot of things, but you still go to get high and fuck around with boys."

I scoffed. "I haven't fucked a boy yet, remember? I'm your only friend that's still a virgin. But what's your point?"

Lucy rolled her big blue eyes. "You've given _more_ than enough head before, and we both know this. Anyway, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, you're going to the party with me tonight. You _have_ to. Please."

"Whose party is it?" I asked.

Her face lit up. "So you're going?"

"No. I just want to know whose party it is."

She ran a hand through her long blonde hair. "Well, I don't know whose it is. It doesn't matter."

"There!" I said. "So we shouldn't go."

"Stop being such a pussy, Bella. You've never had boundaries before. And it's not like you haven't fought people before, if you're afraid of being jumped. Also, you've never said no to any boys."

"I've said no, like, twice," I corrected her. "But you're calling me a pussy _and_ a slut?"

She blinked twice. "Well, yes."

"I'm not going with you, Lucy. Have fun alone."

"Oh, fuck you," she sneered.

"Fuck you, too." I waved goodbye.

Lucy sighed and walked off my porch and to her silver Escalade. She drove away, speeding like she always did. I swore, people used their cars way too fucking much. A lot of the people that went to my school lived in my neighborhood, or at least fairly close to it. Driving everywhere was so stupid, especially if the parties were only down the street from each other.

Maybe I was bitter from being sober again, or because I really did want to go to the party but I had no one to go with, or maybe even because this was all getting to be a bit too much for me. Either way, I didn't know. I was still bitter. I would have gone to the Halloween party, but things between Benjamin and I weren't going so well at the moment. We would kiss and make up sometime soon, though. We'd have to.

So here I was, all dressed up with nowhere to go. That was the story of what people knew of me, anyway.

To others, I may have been the party girl who looked for fun, got high for free, and was in the streets in the wee hours of the night, and I was. At least I wasn't a gangbanger, though. I knew a couple, and that life wasn't pretty. And, to be honest, I was too pretty to be a gangbanger. I still wasn't… good, though. But I sometimes still liked to think that I was the same Bella Swan, who still loved her two former best friends, still loved the boy she'd been getting in trouble with, and still failed Trigonometry.

I closed my eyes and basked in the late-October warmth as I sat on my big porch. Maybe I could escape the crap from real life for a little while.

I had been in the blissful halfway point between consciousness and sleep when Benjamin interrupted my empty mind. It still broke my heart to think about us, but I wasn't supposed to cry about him. He was just a boy. All girls did was complain about men and consider them horrible, until they found a new one. I had enough experience of that from Lucy, who was absolutely boy-crazy. I knew I could have any boy I wanted, but I still wanted Benjamin. He was not going to - and should not even attempt to - make me sad or make me cry.

"Hello?" he asked gently. "Earth to Bella?"

I didn't even open my eyes. "Go away, Benjamin."

"Look, I'm sorry," he said. He wasn't gentle anymore.

"You can tell me you're sorry a million times. Let's just forget it. That would make things better."

"Forget what?"

I opened my eyes and lifted my heart-shaped sunglasses to the top of my head. The sunglasses were ridiculous, but I still liked them. "Everything," I decided. "Wanna start over?"

"That sounds nice."

I nodded and sat up to face him. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing." He looked like he wasn't up to just nothing, though. He had to have something up his sleeve.

"Are you going to the party?" I asked him.

"I don't know, are you?"

I shook my head. "Nah, I'm not going anywhere. Wanna party later, on our own?" I suggested.

"Yes," he said.

"Cool."

"I'm gonna head back home now." He started backing away.

"What, you got something to do now?"

"Yeah, sorta."

I bit my lip. "Okay."

"Okay."

I stayed out on my porch as Benjamin went back to his house. I would never understand that boy.

_God_, I hated not being high. Nothing felt right. I felt uncomfortable and blatantly obvious. I didn't like calling myself a drug addict, though. _It's not bad for you unless it can kill you_, I told myself. I always told myself that, and nothing ever happened.

I saw Kelly walk to her mailbox. She visited there a lot recently. I wondered what had her sprung about the act of receiving mail. She never liked going out to get it earlier.

Kelly saw me and gave me a quick wave and a half smile, as if we hadn't seen each other in years. It felt like it, though. She - and Carlie, too – hadn't even celebrated my seventeenth birthday with me. (I'd long forgotten how I'd spent my birthday, though. It must have been wild.) Kelly paced back to her house, and that was the first time I ever saw her almost fall in her heels. She wore heels and wedges like the act was a religion, so something _must_ have been shaken up with her so much that she stumbled. Either that or she had been drinking a bit.

Because I would have looked like a stalker to follow Kelly to her house, I decided to visit Carlie. Maybe she wouldn't recognize me, or maybe she wouldn't want to associate herself with such a slut, but I wanted to visit her. I'd visit her, then Kelly. It wouldn't be for long. Just to say hello. That was it.

Carlie's house was down the street and on the left side, so I didn't need to take my bike. I walked. I needed the exercise, anyway. I was getting fat. Serious cases of the munchies were a con to loving marijuana.

There were two cars in her driveway: Carlie's black Nissan Altima, and an unfamiliar Jeep. It wasn't any of her parents' cars - I knew what their cars looked like.

So, Carlie was home. There wouldn't be a problem with me visiting.

I knocked on the door. Not once, not twice, not even ten times. I knocked on that damn wooden door twenty-five fucking times, hurting my knuckles. Either Carlie was ignoring me or she was busy.

Much too busy doing something - or some_one_ - too loud for her to notice. And Carlie had an exceptional hearing ability.

I didn't want to stick around to hear anything that I didn't need to, so I hurried back on my way to Kelly's house. I knocked on her door, and she answered a lot earlier than Carlie would, if she ever answered.

"Hey, what's up?" Kelly asked, leaning against her doorframe.

"Mind if we hang out for a little bit?" I asked her.

"Of course I don't mind."

Kelly hugged me as soon as I stepped in her house. I doubted she missed me, but it still felt good.

We went up to her room since it was the coolest part of the house, and she stared at a letter she held in her hands for a while.

"What's that?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes and looked up at me. "Some letter from an anonymous jackass."

"What does it say?"

"The same shit it's been saying for the past two weeks. I've gotten these letters three times a week." She tossed it down into a messy pile of other folded pieces of paper.

"And you don't know who it's from?" I asked.

Kelly shook her head. "I'll bet it's some guy from school."

"You should call the police," I advised her.

Kelly shook her head. "People should call the police on a lot of things, but they never do."

"You could get hurt, though, Kel. I mean…" I bit my lip. Wow, I was such a social person.

"How many times do I have to remind you that I've been dancing since I could walk?" she asked me. "I can kick high as fuck."

"I know," I murmured. "But I've seen a lot of things."

"Ooh, you're so deep," Kelly said with a sarcastic expression on her face.

"Don't make fun of me," I told her. I knew it was a joke, but I didn't want my former best friend telling me that. She'd care enough to not laugh at me.

"I'm not," she said. "Calm down, doll."

"Whatever." I shook my head. "Has Carlie been busy lately? I tried going to her house a little while ago and she was home, but no one answered the door."

Kelly sighed and rolled her big dark brown eyes. "She's been getting busy, alright."

Called it. "With what? Or, with whom?"

"She's been seeing this guy for a month now. She barely even talks to me anymore. It's annoying."

"So what have you been doing?"

"Stuff at school. Fashion Club, Play Production, volleyball and softball, etcetera."

I nodded. All I could think about was getting high. I still felt all wrong. But I had to take my mind off it. Or try, at least. "What are you doing tonight?" I asked Kelly.

"I'm going to a Halloween party."

"The senior one down the block?"

"No, I'm going to a junior one, also known as one where girls don't come home pregnant. Are you going anywhere?"

I looked down at my twiddling thumbs. "Nah. I'm gonna stay home."

"And hang out with Benjamin, right?"

I looked up at her. "How'd you know?"

"I live next door to him, remember? I can hear you guys outside all night, it seems. Uh, you're using condoms, right?"

I shook my head. "We're not getting that far. But you know about the weed, don't you?"

Kelly nodded. "You can't overdose, can you?"

I shook my head.

"Well, I heard that shit fucks you up over time. Not like you care, though."

"I'm fine," I snapped. "I'm not stupid yet. My teeth haven't gone rotten."

"Sorry." Kelly didn't sound sorry at all. She didn't have to be. I had been lying to both myself and her.

"I think I'm going to leave now," I said. I got up and walked downstairs to the front door. I left the house and slammed the door behind me. Pissed and confused, I walked back to my porch. There was nothing to do inside, anyway. I texted Benjamin on the new cell phone I'd received for my birthday last September. _Get your ass back home ASAP,_ I wrote. _Need you here._

* * *

><p>Benjamin was late. He was always late. <em>As soon as possible<em> obviously meant nothing to him. But he had pot, so everything was okay.

I'd gotten really good at smoking. It was easy now, and I could stay high for longer. I had to spray the entire porch with Febreze when we were done smoking a couple of joints. The smell of weed was everywhere.

Sucking on a peppermint and lying on the couch with Benjamin, we watched a movie. It wasn't good (a remake of _Friday the 13th_ or something), but Benjamin and I talked and fooled around (but mostly fooled around) throughout the entire thing. I could have died in his arms and not notice. I was that chill.

It was late when Benjamin left. The sky was dark and the stars had come up. Trick-or-treaters were all over the place. I had just remembered that Renee and Phil never bought any candy to pass out. Maybe they'd told me to. I'd forgotten.

I gave Benjamin one last kiss, and then let him go. All of a sudden, Lucy's giant silver Escalade pulled up—almost running over kids—and into my driveway. Lucy got out and walked up to me. She was holding her heels in her hands, and I saw that her outfit was a mess. When I saw her face-to-face, I really did see how horrible she looked. Lucy's purple mascara was running down her little Bambi eyes. Her tear drops kept flowing and flowing. I felt bad even though I hadn't done anything.

She hugged me when I let her come inside the house. "I had a horrible time, Bella," she sobbed into my shoulder.

"What happened?" I asked, patting her back gently.

"Shit. A lot of shit happened. Bella, I hate those guys! I hate them so much!" She sobbed into my shoulder again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked softly.

"No!" she cried. "I want to run them over." Lucy had obviously been drinking. "Each and every one of them! They should die."

"That's illegal, doll," I told her, still patting her back. "You don't wanna go to jail. It's not for good people like you. And the food makes you fat."

"I don't care. I just want to get those boys back."

"Don't cry about them anymore, Lucy," I finally said.

"What?"

"Those guys are not worth it. Don't cry about them."

Lucy looked up at me and sniffled. "Okay, Bella."

"Do you wanna spend the night? Or do you want me to take you home?"

"I'll just stay here. Your parents won't mind, right?"

"They won't mind."

Lucy and I spent the night watching cheesy girly movies and eating popcorn and chocolate chips. She'd told me she felt a lot better.

So I maybe I did matter.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **__Soooo? You know the drill. Give me some love! xo_

_MTL_


	4. Chapter Four

_**A/N: **__Hello, my dears. I am back with another chapter of _Blur. _Don't worry, the story's almost done. I'm excited to end it, and share it all with you. It's gon' be goooood. Anyway, I'd like to finally thank those who have reviewed the previous chapters. It's about damn time. So, here's to Dream Of Rose Petals, LavendaBrunette, IwantLittleYellowMinions, and tweetytweets. You guys are the best audience a fanfiction writer like me could have. I love all of you. xx_

_So without further ado, I present the fourth chapter of _Blur. _Enjoy!_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Four<strong>

* * *

><p>"Do you have a girlfriend, Drake?" I asked Mr. Dashwood as I absentmindedly looked at the back of my unfinished Trigonometry assignment. I sketched pointy, odd-looking hearts in the paper, over and over. I'd never been a very good artist. Some things just couldn't change.<p>

Drake took a sip of his coffee - _Coffee? _I'd thought, _in the afternoon?_ - and then set the cup down. "No," he said. "Why?"

I shrugged. "I was just wondering."

His facial expression turned serious. "You know that we could never... be together, right?"

"Yeah, I know," I said. It broke my heart, but I knew. I knew that there was no possibility of us. I just really liked him. I didn't like Drake the same way I liked Benjamin. What Benjamin and I had was a non-emotional, intoxicated, shallow relationship. We were friends with benefits and nothing more. I'd used to think I was in love with him, and that really wasn't the case. I felt stupid for doing all that I did with Benjamin, but I would do anything for a quick buzz, so I didn't mind all that much.

But Drake was different. He was older, mature, and overall irresistible. I had an ugly lust for him, because I would never, ever _love_ a teacher, and I didn't want it to end. There was just something so secretive and sexy about us... it was undeniable. And nobody would ever know. Never.

Benjamin took me home after an hour of homework help (which included a lot of non-mathematical topics), and when he stopped in my driveway, he didn't tell me goodbye yet. "So you're still failing Trig?" he asked.

I nodded sadly. "I still am."

"You've been getting so much help, though," he said with a confused expression on his face.

"Why should it matter?" I asked. "You've still got me."

"You know how much I like hanging out with you, though. You're not dating the teacher, are you?"

"Look." I put a hand to his cheek. "I can't fail. I'm sorry, but I can't. And I do still enjoy being with you. My mom and Phil just want me to put school first, that's all. We'll be fine."

He looked like he didn't believe me, so I did what I always did: I kissed him hard on the lips. I looked at him, deep in the eyes. "I'll come over tonight," I promised. "And I'll knock twice. Okay?"

"Okay," he breathed.

I smiled. "Okay."

I got out of his new car - a brand-new black Corvette he'd received for his birthday a week ago - and walked to my front door. He backed out and drove to his driveway as I got my house key out of my backpack and unlocked the front door.

When I walked in the house, I heard the TV on, the radio on, popcorn popping... Renee was home before I was. That was a first. She must have parked her car in the garage.

"Oh, hey, Bella," she greeted me as I walked to the front door.

"Hey, Mom," I said. I set my backpack down at the bottom of the staircase. "What are you doing home so early?" My mother was a teacher and when she wasn't teaching, she was with Phil or doing something crazy.

"I decided to come home, clean, and hang out with my daughter!" A concerned look suddenly flashed upon her face. "You're not going out tonight, are you?"

"I only go out on the weekends, Mom," I reminded her. "Today is Monday. You know, the seventeenth of November? In two-thousand eight?"

"I know you've been going out, though."

I nodded.

"I'm your mom, though. I'm supposed to know some things and not know others."

I nodded again. "Do you know when Phil will be home?"

Renee shook her head. "No, not today. But we have something we want to talk to you about."

My breathing stopped and I considered of the worst-case scenarios: someone in my family had died; Renee or Phil had lost their job; or Renee and/or Phil knew about me doing pot. Renee was easy to read - something was either wrong or surprising.

"Okay, then," I finally said. "Did something bad happen?"

"No, not at all, sweetie. We just have something to ask you." Renee smiled politely, like she meant it. "I would tell you now, but I wanna wait until Phil gets home."

"Well, I'm gonna go do my homework now," I called to her as I walked upstairs. "I'll see you in a bit."

"Bye, honey."

I shut my door when I walked into my spacious bedroom and started English homework. I gave up after two minutes, and I felt like a huge dumb-ass. Maybe weed _was_ fucking me up, or maybe I was just fucked up to begin with. I really didn't know.

I texted a guy that I'd met up with two nights ago to take my mind off things. I didn't know his last name, or if he went to my school, Desert Vista High School, or not, but he was still hot. I just shouldn't have gone along with the things we did at the party the other night, when we first met. That was all he could text me about, and how much he wanted to do those things again. The conversation was boring as fuck. There were some guys that just weren't fun to sext with. And he couldn't even remember my name. He just called me _B_.

After I ended the conversation with the boy from the party, Benjamin suddenly called my cell phone.

"What's up?" I asked when I answered the phone.

"Go to your window," he said.

I walked over to my window and slid it open. The window in my room faced Benjamin's window in his room, so I could see him perfectly. He was leaning out of it a little bit, that smile on his face that I loved.

"What do you want?" I asked playfully.

He said something so quietly that I could barely hear him.

"Come again?" I asked.

"I want you to go to the Winter Formal with me!" he yelled.

"I don't go to dances," I reminded him. "You know that."

"Please? Will you go with me?" he begged. "You can stand on my feet and kiss me and pretend like we're dancing."

I considered this for a little bit. I didn't like going to dances, since I was horrible at dancing, but I decided that because Benjamin was so cute and such a romantic, I couldn't deny him.

"Sure," I said.

"Yes!" He smiled widely.

I laughed and started to close my window. "I'll see you tonight," I said.

"Okay."

I closed my window and went back to my bed. I was actually a bit happy to be able to call myself Benjamin's date to the Winter Formal dance. I didn't want to date him, but I was happy to go as his good friend. I would just need a dress. I was pretty sure Kelly would help me find one.

Benjamin was a great guy. It was a shame that I was afraid of falling in love with him.

* * *

><p>"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked solemnly as I swirled my peas around on my plate. Renee, Phil, and I were at the dinner table, so this was a pretty good time for them to tell me whatever they wanted to tell me.<p>

Renee smiled. "Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me, sweetie. Phil and I were wondering what you think about moving."

My jaw dropped and I looked up at Renee. "Moving where?"

"Forks, Washington."

"Really? Dad lives there, though."

"We were wondering if _you_ wanted to move." Renee was still smiling.

"To live with Dad?" I asked for clarification.

She nodded. "Yes."

"Why, though?" I asked.

Phil cleared his throat. "The team and I are going a lot of places, Bella," he explained. "We just want you to have a stable life."

Baseball. _Minor league_ baseball. Of course I would have to leave for Phil's teenage dream. Typical. Renee and Phil always thought of what they wanted before they thought of me. Still typical. But they were pretty damn in love, so of course they forgot about my wants and needs. Typical, typical, typical.

"And you don't have to go," Renee added. "It's just that I know how much you like Phoenix."

I grimaced. A steady social life in Forks was better than a nonexistent one in multiple places, I guessed. People still smoked weed in Forks, I guessed. "When will I move?" I asked.

"How about after winter break?" Renee suggested. "You can spend the entire break here, and just move at the end of it."

"Fine," I murmured.

"Charlie will be really happy to see you. He hasn't seen you since you were five. That's such a long time, sweetie."

"I know."

"Wait, Bella, do you really wanna go? Be honest with me."

I didn't want to go, but I still did. I wanted to break my old habits here, to start over. But there were some things and people here that I would miss a lot. Like the sunshine, my neighborhood, and my school. Like Benjamin. And Lucy. And Carlie and Kelly. And Drake. This was a lot to leave behind.

But it would be better for me. It would be much, much better. Things hadn't really gone back to normal since I'd started smoking weed. I was a party girl, giving blow jobs for a hit and a chance to escape the harsh realities of real life. But I wanted to shake that. Forks would give me the chance to start fresh.

"I want to go," I decided. _I just have to do all that I can before I leave. This is my curtain call._

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN:**__ And that's it for now, guys. I'm currently finishing up the fifth chapter, where things get good. Thanks for reading. Now show me some love and review until your heart's content. I need it._

_With love,_

_MTL_


	5. Chapter Five

_**A/N: **__Hello, darlings. Here's that chapter of_ Blur _that I've been dying to share with you! I'm excited. Also, if you like _Blur_ (and crazy Bella) you might enjoy _Destructive Desire. _It's incomplete currently, but _Blur _is the prequel to it. Oh, who am I kidding, all four of my lovely reviewers know that already. Alright, I'm rambling. On with the chapter! Enjoy. xx_

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><p><strong>Chapter Five<strong>

* * *

><p>It was such a waste to get my entire Winter Formal appearance ready. It was also such a waste for Benjamin to book a hotel room (without the consent of my mother and stepfather) and flowers and everything for the Winter Formal. I would not be attending the Winter Formal, but Benjamin still didn't know that. He was such a romantic. It was a shame that he'd never get to pour his heart out to me even more at and after the dance. I mean, I was ready, and he was, too. Ready to take the next step. How much would it hurt him to know that we wouldn't?<p>

I decided that this Saturday night I would finally tell him that I was moving to Forks over winter break. That would be in a month, but time passed quickly for me. I would be out of Phoenix and in the dreariness of Forks, Washington in so little time.

Benjamin would be the first person I would tell that I was moving. I hadn't even told Drake, or Lucy, or Carlie and Kelly. I felt like an asshole.

* * *

><p>I went to Benjamin's house that night, like I did every Saturday night. His parents always went out to banquets, and they always poured themselves into bed at dawn. They never noticed I was there.<p>

Benjamin and I lay in his backyard and smoked weed. We even drank some beer. The usual. I crawled into the blanket with him once we were good and high, and snuggled up to him.

"Can I tell you something?" I asked him as I looked up at the stars.

"Yeah?"

"I'm moving," I said.

He was silent for a while, like I had told him I was pregnant or something, which wasn't at all true. "Where?" he finally asked, turning to me.

"Forks, Washington, to live with my dad."

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What?"

"I was born there. I'm going back."

"Why, though?" he asked.

"Renee and Phil are going to move around a lot. I want to maintain a stable life," I explained.

"And when are you leaving?"

"After winter break."

"So, I'll have to go to the Winter Formal alone? Because that's after winter break, you know."

I nodded. Then I looked at him straight in the eyes. "Benjamin, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he said. But I saw in his eyes that it really _wasn't_ okay to him. I felt like the worst friend ever.

I kissed Benjamin on the lips. It was a soft, graceful, experienced kiss. It wasn't out of fear, or hope, or uncertainty. It was out of love. Maybe it wasn't the right kind of love, since I was not in love with Benjamin, but I still felt love. His breath smelled like pot, but so did mine, so I had no right to complain.

"Let's go up to my room," he said softly.

"Okay," I mumbled.

Benjamin and I were in his room in only about a minute. I could see him just enough in the dim light. I stripped off my lace top, peeled off my dark skinny jeans, and threw them in the corner of the bedroom. Wordlessly, Benjamin slipped off his clothes, too, leaving him in his underwear. He was absolutely beautiful. Then he pressed me to the wall and kissed me, hard. Like he'd never see me again. And in a way, he wouldn't. He may see me in the future, but like this? The way that I was? He wouldn't.

We made our way to his bed, and continued kissing as we lay there, me on top of him. This wasn't new - we'd seen each other this stripped before. Even naked. We'd just never gone all the way. And I was perfectly fine with that.

He got me ready. Really, really ready. The foreplay ensued as we teased and tugged at each other's emotions and limits and hearts. He removed the rest of what I was wearing, and then touched me in all the right places. He knew me. I reacted a little differently than how I thought I would react, though. He knew what I liked. And I knew what he liked. It was quite a shame that I didn't love him as much as I should have.

Then he did something that he'd never done before when we were this hot and intimate. He looked at me straight in the eyes. I could feel his heart beating hard against my body.

"Tell me you want me, Bella," he whispered, his voice out of breath. "Tell me you love me. Then I'll know what we're doing is right."

My eyes burned into his. A wave of realization swept over me. A single tear rolled down my right cheek. I wanted my answer to be so different, but I had to be honest with Benjamin. At least, I had to be honest this time.

"I can't, Benjamin. I'm not ready."

* * *

><p>Benjamin followed me as I stormed out of his house. I wasn't even mad at him; I was mad at myself.<p>

Only a few minutes ago, I was so ready to give everything and more about myself to him. I had been so ready to let him have me. I had been so ready to surrender.

Truth be told, I was anything but ready.

I wasn't sure what the fuck happened, or maybe I was just a total bitch, but I wanted my first time to be more... romantic. And I didn't have Winter Formal to look forward to. It wasn't the time and place that made me realize I wasn't ready. It was the person.

Benjamin wasn't the one.

He was so cute, sweet, caring, confident, such a romantic, and nearly perfect, but he wasn't the one.

"Don't push me into this," I warned him as he followed me out of his house. "I've punched a guy before."

"I'm not, Bella," he said once we were out on his porch. "I just wanna understand."

"Why don't you, though?" I still couldn't face him. I was crying a little and my face was all hot.

"I don't know... I thought you loved me," he said.

"I guess I don't, then," I said bleakly.

"Do you just wanna talk?" he offered. "I don't want you to leave yet."

I turned to him. "Can't you see that we can't be together like that, Benjamin? Can't you see that you're just not the one for me? You can't make me fall in love with you."

"Are you serious?" he asked quietly.

"_Are you stupid?!" _I snapped. "Leave me alone, Benjamin. Please. I don't know why I liked you in the first place, and I don't even know why you started liking me back. I just cannot do this." I started walking to my house.

"Bye, Bella," he called to me.

"Bye, Benjamin."

I quietly went into my house. I ran upstairs and shut my door with as much force as I could put out of my body. I was so mad and confused at everything.

I turned my iPod on, put my headphones over my ears, and turned up my music as loud as it could go, drowning out everything I could.

* * *

><p>I was woken from my dreamless sleep after what seemed like not much later. I was being shaken awake urgently. "Bella," a familiar voice said, their voice shaking. "Bella, wake up!"<p>

I jolted awake to see Carlie, whom I had not seen in such a long time.

"Oh my God, what the fuck are you doing here?" I asked her.

"Come with me," she said, "Benjamin's in trouble."

"Can't this wait until the morning?" I asked her, yawning.

Carlie shook her head. "Come on, get up."

A minute later, we were pacing down the street. We made a sharp right turn and there I saw three police cars and an ambulance.

And a totaled, shiny black Corvette.

With a telephone pole going straight through it.

*.*

"Babe... you're okay. You're okay, baby. I promise."

He wasn't okay. He looked at me, emotionless, when he was being pulled into the ambulance on his stretcher.

*.*

His parents weren't even there to go to the emergency room with him.

*.*

The police officers wouldn't let me go.

They just questioned me. Like I actually wanted to answer their stupid questions about what I was doing when he crashed.

*.*

I made Carlie drive me to the hospital later. I had to see him.

*.*

They said they did everything they could to keep him alive.

"_That's bullshit_!" I'd screamed at the doctor. If they had really done everything, he wouldn't have been a corpse in front of my eyes. He would have been smiling and alive and thankful that I was there.

*.*

I was there when he died. He didn't flash one last smile at me. He gave my hand one last squeeze, though. I'd held his hand as long as I could at the emergency room.

*.*

Those were the hardest minutes of my life. Maybe even the hardest last few minutes of his.

*.*

He was pronounced dead on Sunday, November 23, 2008, at 2:48am. It wasn't a suicide attempt, like I'd thought (and still did); he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol while driving.

Drugs, alcohol, and a sports car are a bad combination.

* * *

><p>Carlie took me home early that morning, at around three-fifteen. I wasn't sure why I'd stuck around. Benjamin was dead, and he wasn't coming back. But I wanted to believe, believe, believe.<p>

_Why couldn't it have been me? _I thought during the car ride home. _Why couldn't it have been anyone but him?_

I couldn't sleep when I got home. All I could do was rock back in forth on my bed, wanting to be high again so bad. In fact, being high wouldn't help me. I wanted to be dead. Like Benjamin. I wanted him to come back, so I could kill myself. He did not deserve death.

What was worse was that I had caused his death. If I had stayed with Benjamin, if I had had sex with him, he wouldn't have died. But instead, I'd said no, went back home, and he'd driven off and crashed right through a telephone pole at seventy miles per hour.

All because of me denying him.

The first time I'd said no to someone I cared about, that person died.

_Call me Yes Girl._

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **__Well, that's what I've been excited to write for you guys. I know, it was weird. BUT the story's not over yet. I've got about... hmm... three more chapters left? Maybe four. Stay tuned. Now you know what to do. Gimme all your love in a review, tell me what you think, be honest._

_With love,_

_MTL_


	6. Chapter Six

_**A/N: **__I know, I'm an ass that doesn't know how to finish a story. The end is near, though. I promise. Yadayadayada... Enjoy! By the way, Carlie, you may kick me in the ass for this chapter, but if you kill me, that ain't cool, honey bunches. I told Kelly my plans for the Carlie character a long time ago. Tee-hee. ^.^_

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><p><strong>Chapter Six<strong>

* * *

><p>That day was hard to cope with. It was the longest Sunday of my life. Renee tried to talk to me, but I didn't want to talk to her. I wanted to call Benjamin, or open my window and talk to him, or go to his house and get high like everything was okay.<p>

Nothing was okay, though. I felt a great void in my chest. What people said was true: _You don't know what you have until it's gone._

I didn't eat anything all day. I felt incomplete. Renee and Phil made me eat at least half of my lunch with them, though.

Phil was such an asshole. At least Renee _knew _not to talk to me about Benjamin. Even thinking of his name hurt. Renee had married a total dumb-ass. I was surprised they'd been married as long as a year and a half.

"How close were you to this boy?" he asked me.

"He was my good friend," I murmured.

"How did you feel about him?" God, I hoped Phil wasn't considering a career in counseling.

"I love him," I admitted. I hadn't _loved_ him - I still did. Present tense. Why had it taken me this long to admit it? Maybe the phrase was true. _Everyone loves you when you're dead._

Phil asked more of his stupid, stupid, stupid questions. He was asking me if Benjamin and I had ever had sex when I stood up and threw my spoon down on the table.

"_Don't talk to me like you're my father_!" I screamed at him. "_You're not my dad and you never will be! So STOP acting like you give a shit about me!_"

I ran up to my room right after I said that, and screamed into my pillow.

* * *

><p>The next week (or half week, because Thanksgiving would be on Thursday) of school was a blur. An emotionless, gray blur. Rumors and speculations floated down the halls between and during classes.<p>

_"...Poor kid thought he was invincible..."_

_"...He had a nice-ass car, too..."_

_"...I thought he killed himself..."_

_"...He raped Bella or something..."_

_"...No, she wanted to get laid but he wanted to wait..."_

_"...I feel bad for Bella..."_

_"...Isn't she pregnant?..."_

I ignored everything.

* * *

><p>Turned out, I had to speak at his funeral. It was held Friday - Black Friday - and I was invited, so I got to get out of staying home for the day.<p>

Carlie, Kelly, and Lucy accompanied me to the funeral and helped me get ready for it in the morning. I considered wearing what I'd planned on wearing to the Winter Formal - my wine-colored sexy dress with cutouts, brand-new and really expensive heels, and all the rest - just to be darkly humored and ironic, but nobody found that funny. So, instead I wore a tiny black dress I'd gotten a month ago and never wore, paired with black tights, a trench coat, four-inch heels, and more makeup than I usually wore. Benjamin would have liked that. I also did my hair up big, just like he liked it. I'd only styled my hair like that for him twice, excluding today, but he would have wanted me to look this way. _Baby, you're the best_, I told him in my thoughts.

However, I looked good, but I didn't feel good.

Story of my fucking life.

* * *

><p>Lucy got along well with Carlie and Kelly, but Lucy wasn't as extroverted today as she normally was. Anyone who was excited and happy at a funeral was just plain stupid.<p>

At least, I finally realized that funerals are for the living, not for the dead.

Benjamin's casket was there, but it wasn't open. I'd seen him mangled up - no wonder they kept the casket closed.

Benjamin's sister, Scarlet, spoke at his funeral right after I did. I didn't know that Benjamin'd had a sister. She looked older than even my oldest friends. She looked about twenty-five, at the very most. Scarlet was really pretty. She wore short lace gloves with her long-sleeved, black sweater dress. Her dark hair was done up in a neat bun. I shouldn't have been admiring her look so much, though - her brother had just died. Her voice cracked a little as she spoke.

Scarlet's speech was beautiful. It made mine look like utter crap. I really didn't seem to know Benjamin as much as I thought I did.

I felt disgusted with myself.

* * *

><p>Carlie, Kelly, and Lucy stayed with me at my house that night. The next one, too. They didn't need to explain why they wanted to stay with me.<p>

An unexpected friendship seemed to have formed between them as I watched from the background, silent and insightful. Maybe they were friends because of me, or maybe they were just all good to one another, but in the end, they were friends. That was good. They'd need each other after I left.

Sunday morning - a week after Benjamin died - was when they all left me to be alone in my misery, but I had bumped into Carlie when we passed each other by the bathroom. She had her purse with her because she'd just been doing her makeup.

I must have bumped into her pretty hard. She accidentally dropped her purse and, when it flipped upside down, a lot of her items fell out.

One of which looked like a pregnancy test.

There was a pregnant pause (no pun intended) between Carlie and I in that hallway. She could be pregnant, and she had never even told me.

"Oh my God," I whispered.

Carlie whispered the same thing, at the same time.

"Are you...?" I prompted.

"I don't even know." Carlie's blue eyes were surprised, as if she wasn't planning on telling me. Just how Kelly wasn't planning on telling me about her stalker.

"Oh my God, who is it?" I asked, still whispering.

"A guy I met at a concert. We've been dating for a month now."

"A month?"

"Yeah."

"And you're pregnant. Wow."

Carlie shushed me. "Hey, hey, hey. I don't know if I am yet."

"Then why the fuck have you been waiting so long?"

"Because I'm scared." Her voice cracked. I hadn't heard her like this in such a long time.

"Don't be scared, Carlie. You just have to pee on a stick."

"If I am, this will fuck up my entire life."

"Don't be scared!" I repeated.

"That's so easy for you to say, though, Bella. Nothing scares you anymore. You've seen a lot of shit, and even _I_ know that."

"That's true," I agreed. "But whatever. Just take the fucking test."

"I will later."

"Stop being so scared!"

"I have a right to be scared. Just because _you_ already fucked up your life doesn't mean _I _shouldn't be concerned about mine. How could you be so selfish?" Her words were like a knife, slicing right through me.

I bit the inside of my cheek. "That was sweet."

"That was honesty."

"Well, I don't care anymore. Go see if you're knocked up or not, I don't care."

"Good."

"Good."

I sighed, and we were silent for what felt like an hour. "Just take the fucking test," I said.

"I'll do it at home," she said.

"Why not here?"

"If I am, I may pass out and I don't think your parents have me insured."

"Be serious," I groaned.

"If I _am_...you know...do you know how embarrassing that would be? I can't do this here."

"So now you don't trust me. Great."

"I do, Bella. It's just that this is sort of personal."

"Fine." I crossed my arms.

"Come on, don't be bitchy."

"I have a right to be."

"Well, I'll tell you when I find out, okay?"

"Okay."

Carlie went back downstairs, and was soon busy talking with Kelly and Lucy. I decided to tell them I'd be moving at the end of spring break, so it wouldn't hit them as hard and they wouldn't have to spend a lot of time with me.

It would save me the remorse.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **__I know, I'm bad at ending chapters, too. But it had to end somewhere. You know what to do. Click that button and gimme some love. Feedback is the best thing a writer can get. xo_

_MTL_


	7. Chapter Seven

**_A/N: _**_Hello, darlings. (I really don't know why I call you guys that.) Here's my second-to-last chapter of _Blur. _I'm excited to finish this fanfic and return to the reason why _Blur _is here: _Destructive Desire. _That fanfic is my __baby. I need to get back to it; I've been slummin' on it. (New Moon movie quote, for the win!) Anyway, here it is. Just one more chapter (and an ending author's note) left!_

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><p><strong>Chapter Seven<strong>

* * *

><p>"I really don't know what I want," Lucy said, staring her menu. We - along with Kelly and Carlie - were at the Stockyards Restaurant, a steakhouse far from our neighborhood. Kelly was driving, but I was paying. Tomorrow would be the last day of school before we were released for winter break. I wanted to get something to eat right after school. And here we were.<p>

"We're at a steakhouse, Lucy," I said. "Why don't you get a steak?" Lucy always found herself miffed over little choices like this. It was adorable, but still.

"I want to get one, but I don't know what _kind_ of steak to get." Lucy's eyebrows furrowed.

"Is Diet Mountain Dew any good?" Carlie asked.

"I heard that stuff shrinks your balls," Kelly said matter-of-factly. It wasn't unlike Kelly to say something like this.

Carlie rolled her eyes. "I don't even _have_ balls. I'm asking if it's good."

"Is there even such thing as Diet Mountain Dew?" I wondered aloud.

"Yeah, it's been around since 1988 or something," Carlie said, adjusting the sunglasses that rested on top of her dark brown head of long, wavy hair. Carlie, Kelly, and I had been a (brunette) trio since the dawn of time. It was funny how now Lucy, the undeniable blonde, was in our group.

"Damn, that's older than us," I told Carlie.

"I know. Weird how I haven't tried it yet." Things got quietly quickly. The air was suddenly intense. And I knew why.

Carlie hadn't taken her pregnancy test yet. Or, she had and decided not to tell me if she was pregnant or not. I was going to go with the first option. Carlie was good at hiding her deepest secrets, and for a long time, too. If she was pregnant and she was really worried, then I wouldn't notice for a while. I just didn't have that much time left with her, though.

The sadder thing was, I wouldn't be coming back to Phoenix, my home, any time soon after moving. I needed a fresh start. I needed to break my old chains. I would do that in Forks, as shitty as the place sounded.

There was still one last person I would have to say goodbye to, though. Someone I would have to say goodbye to last.

Drake.

My infatuation with him hadn't been discovered by others yet. Drake and I were doing fairly well. We hadn't done anything serious yet - I didn't want to, and he was a gentleman.

He continued to intrude my thoughts for the rest of my dinner with Lucy, Kelly, and Carlie.

* * *

><p>"And I want you to keep these, too," I told Kelly as I handed her one of my pairs of high heels. I wouldn't need that pair where I was going. I would barely need heels at all, but I still kept three pairs, just to be safe.<p>

"Why are you getting rid of so much of your clothes?" Kelly asked.

"I got sick of them. I blew all my money on new clothes yesterday, anyway."

"You're not going to get a car anymore?"

I shook my head and folded the clothes I didn't want to bring with me to Forks. "I decided I don't need a car. School isn't that far, I guess."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lucy and Carlie sort through my newer clothes. I'd mainly bought lingerie and sexier clothes (because you never know) and a couple of more casual items. It wasn't exactly starting over, but I could be whoever I wanted to be in Forks. I would be a brand-new woman. Now, all that money that I'd spent many boring, time-consuming, deep-fried hours working at McDonald's for a year for, was gone.

Then I couldn't hold it all in anymore. Hiding the fact that I would be moving from my friends was getting to be too much.

"You guys," I said after I took a deep breath, "I'm moving."

Everybody was silent.

"To Forks," I added.

Silence.

"At the end of winter break, on Sunday."

There was even more silence. I didn't say anything else.

"So, you waited for how long to tell us?" Carlie snapped.

"Right, like you tell me everything that happens to you," I snapped back.

Carlie wasn't one to back down. I should have remembered that. "I don't need to tell you everything," she said.

"Well, I guess I don't have to do the same. At least I have enough class to not sleep around." My eyes narrowed at her.

"Yeah, sure, says the girl that blew just about every guy in our grade, and the one time she says no to anyone, the guy dies," Carlie said bitterly.

I bit the inside of my cheek, trying so, _so_ very hard not to hit her. I didn't have anything to lose, but if she _was_ pregnant, I would feel bad for hitting her, whether I aimed for the face or not. "You know what?" I started.

"Stop it!" Lucy exclaimed. "Bella, why are you moving?"

"Besides the fact that my mom and Phil think I'm fucking up their plans, I just want to start over," I said.

Lucy thought on that for a while and bit her bottom lip. "Why? I thought you liked it here."

"I do."

"Then why are you leaving?" Kelly asked.

"Shit happens," I told her.

Carlie shook her head. "There's more, I know it."

Of course, there was more.

"Bella, be honest with me," Lucy said.

The air was intense. These girls were my best friends. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't hold it all in.

Tears burned in my eyes. "I just wanna be free from all this pain, you guys," I started. "You have no fucking idea how hard this is. I wanna let it go and start living again, but I can't! Benjamin fucked up my life and made it better at the same time. And then he left me! How is that even fair! I just wanna live. And I might be able to live again, in Forks. Renee and Phil aren't forcing me to go, though. I'm doing this for me. You have to accept that."

By the time I was done talking, tears were flowing down my face. I was a baby - I cried at the drop of a hat. My friends (even Carlie, whom was impossible to not forgive) hugged me. Lucy was hugging the most, and I was sobbing into her shoulder.

Was it possible to be this eroded in only a few months? I was fine last August. I imagined myself riding on the handlebars of Benjamin's bicycle again, the wind in my hair, feeling amazing. Now, I was addicted to weed and alcohol. I wanted to change. I just wanted a fucking breath of fresh air. And here I was, trapped in this hole called Phoenix, being reminded of the death of Benjamin everywhere I went. My friends made things better, but real life was too much. I'd been sober for too long now. The harsh realities of the world were crashing down on me, and I needed to get out. Phoenix had scattered and scarred everything for me. I needed to refresh myself. I needed to breathe.

"I just wanna live again," I cried.

"You can," said Kelly.

"You will," said Carlie.

"Do it for us," said Lucy.

"I'll try," I whispered, sniffling.

"God, now I'm gonna cry," Lucy said quietly.

"Don't," I said. "Don't cry for me. You're okay."

"But _you're_ not. If you were okay, you'd stay in Phoenix, with us."

"I know. You'll be fine, though. You don't need me."

"You're right."

"I love you, Bella," Carlie whispered. "As often as I'm a complete and utter bitch, don't forget that."

"I won't."

"I love you, too, Bells," Kelly said. "If you forget that I'll slap you. So don't forget that."

"I won't."

In those quiet, last few minutes that we all had together, my friends held me in their arms. The warmth of them could never, _ever_ be replaced. I would never forget them. They would probably forget me sometime in the future, or not keep in touch with me, but that was okay. It was all okay. _I _just wasn't okay.

_Okay_ is a pretty complicated word.

* * *

><p>I'd spent that night remembering, remembering, remembering, trying to hold on to the memories as much as I could. Memories were important. Even the bad.<p>

I remembered when I used to party with Lucy all night. We stole police cars with the senior boys. We almost got into a lot of trouble. But we were fast. We also snuck into hotels late at night and went skinny dipping. Well, I did. Lucy said that the last thing she would do is skinny dip and then get caught. _No way_, I'd said. _Only stupid people get caught. _Lucy hadn't listened to me. We only broke into hotels at a couple of different places, though. Being chased by the cops wasn't all that funny anymore after one of our friends wasn't fast enough and got put in juvie.

I remembered that Pabst Blue Ribbon on ice was our favorite... I could taste it on my tongue right now.

I remembered when the other girls - the preppy ones from our grade who got straight A's, were the stars of the choir, and wore Abercrombie & Fitch like it was going out of style - _tsk tsk_'d and shook our heads at Lucy and I. _They'll never make it out alive_, they'd said.

I remembered that all Lucy and I wanted was to have fun, though. We were just looking for a taste - just a teeny-tiny little taste - of real life. Lucy didn't take the other girls' judgment harshly. Lucy didn't care what anyone thought or said about her. She was a free spirit that took all that judgment in as love. Love and jealousy and admiration. Lucy was my new best friend. I loved how she didn't care what anyone thought. It wasn't fun seeing her cry, though. I remembered seeing her little Bambi eyes filled with tears. Boys were hurtful.

I remembered the boys howling and whistling at us when me and Lucy walked down the streets, high heels swinging in our hands. Strutting around the school in heels was a lot. Three words got me and Lucy excited every week: Friday. After. School. After a long five days of school, we'd always needed that.

I remembered that Lucy and I didn't stick together all the time, though. We'd equally put boys first. Lucy had a steady boyfriend that was always with other girls; I had a friend with benefits that I always put behind other boys that were hot, but shallow, stupid, and looking for sex. I never refused anything (besides the real deal: the penetration kind), though. All the boys liked me for that. Girls got jealous and called me a slut. But it was all just love and jealousy and admiration.

I remembered that my cover was far blown by last Halloween. Everybody had known that I had a little too much fun. I skipped school with Benjamin on a weekly basis.

I remembered the other girls running their mouths - again. _Baby's future is going down the drain_, they'd whispered to each other. _Whore had it coming._

I remembered getting Lucy and a shitload of other senior girls to help me jump the other girls after school when enough was enough. We'd kicked their asses behind the middle school down the street.

I remembered that for a long time, I was a mean girl. I was more than just a party girl - my eyes gleamed mean everywhere I went. But I was no bully. I was too pretty for that. Boys liked me too much for that. I was too charming and seductive for that. Call me whatever you want, but I certainly was not a bully. I was just a bitch. I was the top bitch in the eleventh grade. Hell, even the senior girls gave me a shitload of respect. They knew what would happen if they didn't. I knew the right kinds people. They didn't.

I remembered that - aside from Carlie, Kelly, and Benjamin - Lucy and the other mean girls were the only friends I'd ever had. So I never felt alone.

I fell asleep that night, regretting everything.

* * *

><p>I felt electric the next day. Today would be my last day going to school in Phoenix. I would really miss Desert Vista High School. I wouldn't miss any teachers, though. Except for one: Mr. Drake Dashwood, my Trigonometry teacher that couldn't help my grade at all whatsoever. He was a bad teacher. But at least he was hot.<p>

As I got dressed in my sexy, tiny, strapless little romper that was in a bright crimson color, I realized that Benjamin would have wanted this. Benjamin would have wanted me to do what I wanted and have fun. He would have wanted me to dress sexy for my last day of school in Phoenix, wear makeup, and have my hair up big, just like he liked it. He would have wanted me to be a beautiful sinner, just for the hell of it.

I stood in the full length mirror on my door that would be going with me to Forks. I looked pretty damn amazing. My wavy dark brown hair (with minimal caramel-colored highlights) went past my shoulders, to my bust line. My legs looked long and graceful. I was still pale as fuck. I really didn't know why. I stood in my four-inch, lace heels, as strong as I could.

I gave one last direct thought to Benjamin as I applied lip gloss to my shiny, pale pink lips, and smiled: _Baby, you're the best._

* * *

><p>That Friday was an early dismissal day. I wished it wasn't. I was doing a lot of wishing for someone that didn't deserve that many wishes.<p>

I went to Drake's classroom right when the last bell rang. He'd told me in first period that he'd be there.

When I entered the classroom and carefully closed the door, Drake hugged me and presented me with a small velvet box. Inside of the box were dangly diamond earrings. I didn't wear earrings often, but now I had a reason to. The earrings I received from Drake were gorgeous.

"Thank you," I said as I put the box in my purse. My little relationship with Drake was one of the last secrets of mine. I wanted it to stay that way.

"You seem upset," he said. "What's wrong?"

"Drake," I signed. "I'm moving, at the end of break."

"And you're never coming back?"

"No."

"Damn."

"I know."

Then I went to my tiptoes to kiss him, for the very first time. _Older men do it better_, I thought. Drake pressed me up against the wall, and I wrapped my legs around him. God, how many times had I fantasized about this as I sat in class five days a week, in the very front row, staring at him? Strange how it was coming true.

Drake knew what he was doing. And if he didn't, he was an amazing actor. He'd get all the Oscars in the world from me and even more.

Breathing hard, I twirled my fingers around in Drake's short hair. His hair couldn't compare to Benjamin's dark curls - nobody's could.

Before things got too hot, I pushed myself away from Drake. I kissed him on the lips one last time, sweet and soft and slow.

"Be good, babe," I whispered.

He nodded.

"Remember me - just don't miss me," I continued.

"You know I'll miss you."

I put my index finger to his closed lips. "Don't."

I pulled away from him and started walking to the door.

"Don't tell anyone," he called as I opened the door. Bright light poured into the dim room.

I laughed softly. "I'm not stupid," I said. "I've read _Lolita_ before."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Pretty damn weird, huh? Or was it NOT weird? Was it too emotional? Was it cheesy? You know the drill: click that blue button and gimme your love._

_xo, MTL  
><em>


	8. Chapter Eight

_**A/N: **This is it, dears. The last chapter of _Blur. _You may __not be excited, but I am. I would love to return to _Destructive Desire_, maybe write more one-shots (Jacob/Bella ones, of course), and maybe even get back to my Leah and Embry fanfics. Anyway, I love all that read this, and I also love those that have reviewed. Now, enjoy._

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><p><strong>Chapter Eight<strong>

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><p>"I'm really gonna miss you, Bella," Lucy told me for what seemed like the thousandth time that day. I didn't mind, though. Lucy, Kelly, and Carlie were taking me to the airport. Today was the day.<p>

Lucy was driving, though she was pretty reckless with it. I was surprised we weren't pulled over. Kelly was providing the music. That meant we'd be listening to Gwen Stefani and Britney Spears the entire drive. Carlie bought the curly fries.

I felt like myself again, whoever that was. I was eating food that was bad for me and not caring that we were speeding and blasting music.

A particular lyric in Gwen Stefani's "What You Waiting For?" song stuck out to me, and it still did as I was about to go the gate that would take me away from Phoenix, my home, into the dreariness of Forks, Washington:

_"Look at your watch now! You're still a super-hot female!"_

I wasn't sure why that stuck with me, but it did.

I was showered with hugs at the gate that held my destiny. How could I leave these amazing people? These three girls had changed my life, for the better and the worst. I almost regretted leaving now. But I needed this. This was important to me. And, of course, the reason why I wanted to leave so badly in the first place was back in my mind. But Benjamin would have wanted me to go. He wouldn't have wanted me to sulk over him. He would have wanted me to be free. This was me living again.

I made sure to give Lucy a word of advice when she hugged me for the last time.

"Lucy," I said gently, "you're brighter than you think. Don't dumb yourself down for boys. They like you just the way you are. I promise."

Lucy sniffled and nodded. Her dark blue mascara was running down her little Bambi eyes. I wiped her tears away. "You'll be fine," I promised.

Kelly hugged me next. She didn't cry, though. She wasn't much of an emotional person. I liked that about her. She was always the rock in our friendship. Kelly was quite the opposite of Lucy; she brought us all back down to earth after Lucy gave us the power to fly.

"Don't let Lucy and Carlie blow up," I told Kel. She laughed gently. "I'm serious," I added. "Keep them sane."

"You know I will," Kelly said, smiling. I smiled back.

Carlie hugged me last. "Fuck, Bella, I'm going to ruin my makeup. You owe me," she said. I laughed weakly. "I'm gonna miss your humor," I said. "You're so good with people. Don't ever change." I would miss everything and everyone. Even Carlie, as much as we'd bumped heads.

So maybe there was a creature growing in Carlie's uterus. Maybe there wasn't. I wouldn't ever know, as long as she didn't tell me. Maybe _she_ didn't even know. Maybe she was too nervous to take the pregnancy test. As much as that bothered me, I was almost okay with it. And, whoever that possible baby grew up to be, I gave it all the love in the world. It was part of Carlie.

Kelly, Carlie, and Lucy blew kisses at me and waved goodbye as I departed for my airplane at noon. Right there, I realized that I was blessed with such great friends. I wouldn't forget them. Hopefully, they would remember me, but they wouldn't miss me. They had better things to do than miss me. They were, as Gwen Stefani had said, still super-hot females. They wouldn't need me, and I wouldn't need them.

As I stared out my window when the airplane finally lifted into the air, the chains that I'd had to Benjamin were finally broken. I didn't forget him, and his importance didn't grow smaller. Fuck no. But, I did finally let go of the grief. Benjamin hadn't deserved to die. Nobody does. But what happened, happened. I couldn't take it back. Benjamin was still in my heart. I would probably miss him forever. And I'd learned something, too: I wasn't invincible. I wasn't a superhuman that could do anything I wanted without paying for it. I was just me, whoever that was.

I was glad I'd realized this. If I didn't realize this sooner, I knew exactly where I would be: under my grave at just seventeen years old.

* * *

><p>Later, a stewardess announced that the airplane would be landing at the Sea-Tac airport very soon. It would have made more sense for my father, Charlie, to want to pick me up in Port Angeles, but maybe he just wanted me to experience Seattle. I fastened my seat belt.<p>

Maybe a lot would be waiting for me. Maybe not. Only time would tell.

_Now I'm off to the races._

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **So, that's that. If you liked this fanfic, read _Destructive Desire. Blur _is only the pre__quel. I love those who have read this, and those that have reviewed. Take care._

_MusicTwilightLove  
><em>


	9. We Were Born To Die: An Author's Note

_Music means a lot to me. Like, A LOT. Music inspires every fanfic of mine. Some titles are named after songs; others aren't. _(Blur _is named after the Britney Spears song called "Blur", by the way. [Thanks, Kel.]) Music is just inspiring, though. I tried to stick with just one artist/album for _Blur_, though, just to see what would happen._

_Lana Del Rey._

_Yep, she's my latest obsession. Love that girl. Also, her latest album, _Born To Die_, really does inspire me for _Blur. _Without inspiration, I'm nothing. Now, for those that enjoyed my fanfic (or those that just enjoy Lana Del Rey), here's my playlist. If _Blur _was a movie, this could be considered the soundtrack. But soundtracks don't have just one artist, anyway, soo..._

_**Chapter One: **_

_"Radio" - Bella's life was sweet like cinnamon..._

_"Born To Die" - ...until Benjamin started being an ass at the party. Bella didn't want him to make her sad or anything._

_**Chapter Two: **_

_"Born To Die" - Bella didn't want to be sad with Benjamin. "Born To Die" is one of Bella and Benjamin's themes._

_"Video Games" - Heaven is place on Earth with Benjamin, for Bella._

_**Chapter Three:**_

_"Diet Mountain Dew" - Benjamin was a sweet kid, but he was not good for Bella. Bella still wanted him, though. "Diet Mountain Dew" and "Born To Die" alternate as the Bella/Benjamin theme of this story._

_"Carmen" - Bella changed for the worst. Now she's a mess, but everybody thinks she's having fun, and she is. Maybe just a little too much fun._

_"This Is What Makes Us Girls" - Carlie put her boyfriend first. She, Kelly, and Bella didn't stick together. Also, mascara was running down Lucy's little Bambi eyes. Poor baby._

_**Chapter Four:**_

_"Million Dollar Man" - Benjamin was so sweet. Such a romantic. So, why was Bella's heart broken?_

_"Off To The Races" - Bella was Drake's little starlet._

_**Chapter Five:**_

_"National Anthem" - Bella was important to Benjamin... Bella couldn't say the same back to him._

_"Born To Die" - Benjamin died. Bella was sad._

_**Chapter Six:**_

_"Summertime Sadness" - I know it wasn't the summertime. It was November. But Bella was feeling darkly humored and sad on the day of his funeral. She wore what he woud have wanted her to wear. "Baby, you're the best."_

_**Chapter Seven:**_

_"Diet Mountain Dew" - The girls were literally sitting there talking about Diet Mountain Dew. Can't get more obvious than that._

_"This Is What Makes Us Girls" - Bella remembering everything was that song in a nutshell. I won't be surprised if Lana Del Rey wants to strangle me._

_"Lolita" - Lucy and Bella took in all the criticism just perfectly fine because they knew it was all L-O-V-E._

_"Summertime Sadness" - Bella felt electric, and put on her makeup, and dressed like a hooker. Also, "Baby, you're the best" was mentioned... again. I love that quote._

_"Off To The Races" - Yep, this is the Bella/Drake theme. Drake wasn't as bad as Lana's man, but still. Bella was his little starlet._

_**Chapter Eight:**_

_"Off To The Races" - Hence the very last line._

_Yes, yes, music means a lot to me. I just thought I'd organize my themes and inspirations, both for my readers and myself. I love all four of you (excluding myself). A good audience is something every writer needs._

_With love,_

_MusicTwilightLove_


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